It's Just the Simple/Not So Simple Things

You know how when you get into the shower in the morning the temperature can set the tone for your day. If you run out of hot water it can start the rest of your day in a funk.  But, if you get the temp just right it can make your whole body feel good.  It felt so good to just let the water wash over me.  It drained the stress from lack of sleep and put me in the right frame of mind.  I know - It's the simple things.

Getting Sarah ready for school in the morning is challenging.  She's like her dad.  She isn't a morning or a night person.  She is a middle of the day kind of person.  Sarah doesn't function well in the morning and she can be the crankiest person on the planet.  Not only that, but she is the best negotiator I have ever seen. I have no idea how this started and I'll be damned if I can change it.  If I say "You need to eat your dinner so you can get dessert" she will want to know how much does she need to eat in order to get it.  If I say ten bites then the negotiation is on.  She will counter with 8 bites and finally I just tell her she needs to eat it and I won't give her an answer.  If figured if I don't give in to this then she will have to just buck up and eat all of it.  AARGH!  This is one of the simple things I wish was easier.  Wait, maybe it's not so simple after all.

Now homework is a whole separate issue.  I don't think it's easy in the slightest.  It's not that the work is complicated, I know what I'm doing, it's working around all of the other things that's difficult.  Making dinner, helping Sarah with her homework, doing laundry, dishes (housekeeping in general) and finding time to have an adult conversation with anyone else is difficult.  There are only so many hours in the day and I don't want to sacrifice my grades to get the other things accomplished.  These classes are more time intensive than some of the others and I would rather the housekeeping suffer than the grades.  Sarah - well, you know how I feel about her.  She will always have top billing in the house.  I want her school experience to be as successful as the twins.  I want her to be happy in school and go as far as possible.

Are you wondering, at this point, why I'm taking time to write this blog?  Well it's simple really.  I can take what I'm feeling and thinking and put it into words to get it out of my system.  It reminds me of going to the gym and working up a really good cardio-sweat.  It takes the toxins out and I can start fresh.

Well, I guess I need to get back to the homework.  I have assignments due and need to study for the anatomy lab mid-term exam.
Have a wonderful day!

Today Was About Me!

Most of you know my children come first.  Those of you with children know there needs to be a balance between taking care of your children and taking care of yourself.  I tend to lean toward taking better care of the kids than myself.  Not because I feel they are more important, but because I feel their needs tend to be more urgent.  Today I was able to take a little time for myself and go on the Chocolate Decadence Tour.  I learned the difference between a chocolate maker and a chocolate melter.  Amazing how ignorant I could be about something I love so much!
Today was bittersweet. (No pun intended).  I went to church with Sarah and when I returned home we had missed the call from Mr. Y.  Billy was at home on my laptop and the Skype application was open and Mr. Y thought I was on line.  He called and I missed it.  This was bittersweet because I knew that he had gone outside the base to the airport in Kabul and I know the dangers present off the base.  I know the acronyms. They are IED and RPG.  They = danger.  Now I know he made that journey safely.
I spent time with Pegi and David tonight.  They were holding a company dinner for their employees and I was invited.  I'm not an employee, but we consider each other family.  It was their generosity which allowed me to take the Chocolate Decadence Tour.  I cannot tell you how important it was for me to spend a little time reconnecting with them.  It renewed me for the coming week.  I felt so much better.  They are like the siblings I never had to fight with.  It always feels like we picked up where we left off.  Nice to have that kind of relationship. Yes, today was about me.
Thanks for listening and have a great day.

I'm OK - Really

One of my friends said that I sounded lonely.  I really am OK.

I'm surrounded by family who loves me very much and is there if I need anything.  If you've read any of my earlier posts, you'll know that the term "family" doesn't necessarily mean related by blood.  My family includes my close friends.  

I may be here and Mr. Y. is there, but I'm really OK.  We talk when we can and I know he will be as safe as he can be.  Don't get me wrong, I still worry, but these events are out of my hands.   We will be together when he returns.

Thank you for being concerned.

I'm really OK though.

Stacking Up

When I think about the date Mr. Y. left, I  can start to add up the things he has missed.  I'm not doing this because I want to be mean, but because I want to keep a record for him. Here they are: - Not quite perfect order though...

On July 27, 2010, Sarah had her 5th birthday.  On August 1, 2010, Sarah lost her first tooth.  On September 13, 2010, Sarah started her first day of school at All Saints School.  On September 19, 2010, Chris missed my Dad's 68th birthday.  On September 21, 2010 Sarah lost her second tooth.
There were so many other details.  The concrete was poured on the 14th of September, Back to school night (where the parents get a chance to meet with the teacher) was on the 23rd, and many, many more.
I wouldn't be surprised to have Sarah reading basic books by the time he returns.

I want Mr. Y. to understand that life is all about the details.  These are the most important details of this year besides the fact that he is gone.  It's not just that he has missed these things happening to her, and in her life, but he has missed sharing them with her.  It's not just being there for the event itself, but being part of the memory as well.

Sometimes I think Sarah gets mad at me sometimes because I'm the one here to be mad at.  If Daddy was here, then he would get part of that too.  We, as parents, get to be the ones the emotion is directed at when there is no other place for it to go.  These are the good and the bad emotions.  When Sarah is happy, she shares her happiness with me.  When she is sad, she shares it with me, and when she is mad, she directs it at me because I am (simply) here.

I don't think I understood kids until I was an adult and had them of my own.  The first time I became a parent it was of twin boys.  It was all OJT for me.  No chance to learn it before hand, and since I didn't get a manual at the hospital when they were born, I just learned it as I went.  All of them hard lessons.
I'm so grateful that my children have waited to finish their education before they have children.  Not that I did it the wrong way, I just did it differently.

The details will stack up and become too high and fall down around me.  If I don't keep track, I will never remember what they were and when they happened.  Thank you for letting me share them with you.

First Day of the New Term

Well, today was the first day of the new term.  Of course this is Sarah's second week at school and she has been exposed all the other virus carriers at the school.  This means she has a cold and now I am getting one.  The first day of school and I had a sore throat. UGH.  But the good news is that I don't have any more homework due today.  I have completed all of it for now.  Bed for both of us.
Good night world.

Sunday the 19th

68 years ago today my father was born to Walter (Buzzy) Powell and Irene Loeffelbein.
My Dad continues to be a very strong presence in our family.  He is the builder of the family, the sanity maker, and the strength in our unit.  He may not be a particularly religious man, but he has faith in all of his family.  Faith that we will make good choices, faith that we will live up to the moral standards instilled in my brother and I, and faith that we will pass those moral values/standards onto our children.
Every day I hope that I can be the kind of person my father is.  Everyday I look at him and smile to myself because his generosity is overwhelming.  He never asks for anything in return.
I hope my children see the kind of person he is and can also strive to be as generous in life and beyond.

The Clock is Mocking Me

The seconds tick by.
The sound of the clock is deafening
I have not left the computer except to get dinner started and to take care of Sarah.  I realize today this in unhealthy.  I need to do something to take my mind off of the ominous tick of the clock.
I know this is just my rant.
It is not a reflection of anything but war.
This is the way it is supposed to be.
Wives and husbands left behind to wait and wonder the outcome.
We cross off the days on the calendar.
Most of us numb to the outside world.
There is no sense of normalcy.
I find myself tense and irritable.
Waiting again as the seconds ticks by.
I check my cell phone.  It's fully charged.
Open the gmail tab and hit "refresh".  Nothing has changed since the last time I checked.
I write an email to someone and hit send.  The clock appears to have slowed.  I check my phone.  It hasn't slowed, it just feels like it.
"Momma, when is Daddy going to be home?"  I tell her "May".  Because she is 5, she asks me "After this bedtime will it be May?" "No Sarah, May is next year." After this bedtime will it be next year?" "No, we have to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas (which brings a spark of interest to her eyes) and New Years Day first.""Momma, I miss Daddy!" "Me too, but you have me and Grumpy (yes, that's what we call him) and Mimi and Brothers."  This chatter is daily.  The reminder that we all are here for her does not always appease her, but it can change the tone of need in her.
I get up and fill my coffee cup, it was empty and needed more.
I need to walk away from this for a moment.  The emotion of it is overwhelming.
I have looked at the clock at least 10 times in the last hour.  Nothing has changed.  Time has moved, ever so slowly, but it has moved.
I started the dishwasher and have Sarah's clothes laid out.
I start school on Monday and have pared my classes down because I don't think I can take too much more stress, only 10 hours this term.
15 minutes has gone by.  I think the clock is mocking me.
I've been up since 0400.
If the computer wasn't tied like a noose around my neck, I would have been able to accomplish so much.
I feel like Atlas trying to hold up the world.  So heavy, my knees are buckling with the weight of it.  If I could just set it down and rest for a minute.

Really!

I have to hand it to Michael and Tasha!!!  They have been holding my hand this week.  I think both of them know how stressed I've been and they have been great at distracting me.  Michael did the dishes while Tasha helped me look through e-bay for another phone.  Sarah was playing with all of us.  It helps to have an extra pair of eyes.
I can't sit still anymore.  I'm going to try to close my eyes and get some sleep.  I guess I should be honest though, I will check my e-mail (both accounts) and my phone to make sure it's charged before I close my eyes.  I just hope...  Well, you know what I hope for.
Thanks for listening though!
Sweet dreams and positive thoughts!

Waiting

Today is a sluggish day.
I haven't received an e-mail or call from Izzy since Monday.
I don't know if I have said it, but - I feel like I'm on the moon.  No one from the police bureau or the military has called me.  Not like I expect a call from anyone, but I feel like someone should have called me.  If I was a union rep from the bureau I would have called to make sure there were no un-answered questions.  If I were from the military I would have called to ask if Tricare was set up and if there were any questions.  I don't want to have a problem before I figure out who to talk to.
When Izzy left he told me the health insurance would be taken care of and that there was some sort of agreement between the city and the union.  I know it was up to me to handle it, but I had questions.  I had to figure this out.  Why was there a portion of the form that asked for my routing number and why did it say that it was for automatic withdraw from our checking account?  I took the form to HR downtown and had to wait to talk to someone.  I took the initiative to make sure at least part of this went smoothly.  What about the rest of the questions?  It was/is true - there is an agreement between the city and the union that our health insurance will be maintained.  Why wasn't there a pamphlet about what to expect when your spouse is deployed?  There should be something and even a monthly phone call to make sure you are making ends meet, don't have any problems getting access to Tricare, aren't having depression issues, etc.  If there had been that phone call, I might not have felt like I was on the moon.
I spoke with Dan (Izzy's Sgt at the bureau) and he was looking into finding out more information.  He said there was someone and that he would e-mail me that information.  I shared Izzy's contact information and that  I knew he landed in Afghanistan.
I don't have anymore information to share.  When I get either a phone call or an e-mail, then I will share what I know and a mailing address to send cards and letters.
On a more positive note, the concrete foundation is poured.  We will be pulling the forms off next week and then start on the walls.  I will have to get a concrete specialist in to deal with the floor/driveway.  I want it perfect so that there are no puddles inside if a car brings water in because its been raining.  You know it does that here sometimes.
It feels good to get things out on virtual paper.  I don't feel like I'm going to explode from the stress, at least not today!

The First Day of School

Well - We did it!  I know you all will tell me you never had any doubts, but I can never be too sure.
She looked awesome in her school uniform.  Mimi and Zack were there with me to support Sarah.  I took some photos and yes, I even managed to lose my coffee cup while I was doing it, but it was a small sacrifice to give.  My only complaint was that it felt disorganized.  I know there must have been a science to the way they were managing things, but I could see areas for improvement.  I will try harder not to be critical.
I heard from Chris.  He was fueling up before Afghanistan (in some other -stan - I think Kyrgyzstan and I know I might have misspelled that one.)  He still has a cough, but he is feeling better.  He had 1 chance to shower, but has been flying for three days.  He knows he missed Sarah's the first day, but I sent him a picture and have made myself available whenever he needs me.  I would drop everything to talk to him and know he's safe.
Tomorrow - Concrete in the am/ housekeeping in the afternoon and then painting the computer room on Wednesday.  There is never enough time and always too much to do.
I will post more information when my day isn't so crazy.

On This Week's Agenda

This week (like the ones that will follow) will be crazy.  Bunny starts school tomorrow.  It's going to be really fun for her.  The parents are invited to coffee in the rectory following the start of the school day.  This time I may be just one of the moms.  Not like being the only person there without a spouse.  I promised I would take lots of pictures and post them to Picasa for Mr. Y and for Abuelita.
I was thinking yesterday that I could take the digital card and print all of the pictures for the last three months and out them into an album.  Then just keep doing it until he comes back.  He should three or four albums of all of the things he missed while he was away.
I need to order my books for school and go pick them up.  This term's classes are going to be hard, but not impossible.  I look forward to the distraction.
Tuesday the construction continues in the back yard.  We are pouring concrete for the foundation and footings and garage.  We passed our inspection with flying colors.  The only thing we were told was that we need to add a ground strap because we are adding electricity.  Once we get the garage built and the shed contents transferred then I can transfer my glass to the shed and start working there.  I really want to add a kiln so I can do some special work there.  I know what I like and I think I can really do some good.  I also want to do my mother's living room windows in leaded glass.  I just need to get a little practice in before I start.
Today there is a picnic for the All Saints Parish.  There is mass following the picnic.  There are more "community-oriented" activities here than any place I have ever belonged to.  On the 24th, Tasha and I will going to a wine tasting.  The proceeds benefit the school.  Who ever heard of this?  It looks like fun though.  Neither Tasha or myself like wine, but since she has finished her master's degree in teaching, I thought it would be good exposure to get her out there in a private school and make some contacts.  I would love to see her teaching at All Saints.  She is very patient and sweet.  The kids would love her!  I know how much Bunny loves her.  Cool.
Well, I better get to it.  I have been sitting here drinking coffee for the last couple of hours while I watch SpongeBob.  Gotta love how mindless it is!
Take care!

Do I Dare Post Today?

Well - Before I jump on the band wagon, let me say that I am not posting because today is September 11.  I'm posting because I am the wife of a soldier.  My Marine friend would say otherwise. (Apparently the specific definition is: fighter, trooper, serviceman, servicewoman; warrior; GI; peacekeeper; archaic man-at-arms)  This is my husband in more form than one.  He is a civilian peacekeeper and a soldier in the military.  
I'm outraged by an ignorant fool who would burn the Quran on today's date in some sort of protest on the attacks on the US in 2001.  That would be a stupid thing to do.  And here we are, fighting to defend his right to be stupid.  Sure, it make perfect sense (note my hint of sarcasm there).  I'm outraged because it would cause more harm than good.  It might make that one little guy and his little church feel good, but it wouldn't do anything to help our soldiers overseas.  In fact, it would raise tensions and hinder peacekeeping activity.  The military needs all the support this country can give.


Let me leave you on this note:
When the twin towers were destroyed on that epic day, I was a zombie for days.  Most of you who know me, know I would rather eat a cockroach than talk to strangers.  I felt myself asking random people walking down the street if they were OK.  The silence was deafening for the weeks that followed the attacks.
I do notice weird things more often now.  An illegally parked van in front of the post office and some strange dark-skinned guy pacing back and forth about 10 feet from the van, a backpack left on the bus by some kid that was too distracted to remember it.  Some things don't just feel right anymore.  We need to hold strong to who we are and be consistent in what we say and do.  
much love my friends!

So Many Things Right Now

Once again I'm up before the rooster is crowing.  I've been up since 0330 this time and I took my Lunesta last night. *sigh*
Well, I used to say another day, another dollar.  Time is really getting away from me right now.  I wonder how I'm going to find my groove again when the school year starts in less than 2 weeks.
Today Sarah is getting her kindergarten evaluation.  I was told my by son's girlfriend, who just graduated with her master's degree in teaching,  that this is where the kids are tested to see what they know for "sight words", how far they can count, do they recognize the ABC's and so on.  Sarah doesn't read, but she does know a lot of words on sight.  She just hasn't figured out how to string them together to read a book.  They also have to wear their uniform today.  I have Sarah's uniform all ready.  This means that I have to take it with me when I drop her off at Kathy's Daycare.
This place (Kathy's Daycare) has been wonderful.  I can't sing the praises enough about her daycare.  Sarah has grown and learned so many things.  She comes home with projects everyday.  They studied Picaso a couple of weeks ago and she told her Abuelita that the painting she had in her bathroom was a Picaso.  Of course, when Abuelita looked at me with that look, I knew what she was thinking.  Then it was verbalized: "She knows too much."  You can never know too much unless you have mob connections.  Well, OK - I don't have those and really wouldn't want to.  ANYWAY...
I spoke with Mr. Y yesterday and gave him the run-down on what was happening here at home.  I forgot to tell him his BDU's uniform arrived.  Since he is flying in a couple of days and I'm not sure where to send it (as I don't have his APO or FPO or whatever it is they are using for where he is) I will wait.  Last time he was in country it was an APO.  One of our Marine boys gets his packages through an FPO.  I can't keep up.  "You can't tell a player without a program".  I'm just saying.
As far as the construction progress goes, we have an "erosion inspection" today.  This a new one for me.  It's not like we are digging into a hillside or anywhere there is a strong grade.  It is just part of the process.  Once that is done, we will need a "forms/foundation" inspection prior to pouring the concrete.  Good news is that the concrete for the forms will be about $775.00.  I called Knife River concrete products and they just need 3 days advance notice.  It will take every guy I know to come over and help with this one piece.  All the concrete guys are going to do is pour and we will take care of the rest.  I can't wait until this piece is complete so we can start framing up the walls.  You would think we were building a house instead of a garage.  Mr. Y will love playing in this when it's done.  I know the "Jimmy" will be in there every weekend.

The Power Of Sleep

Sleep.  It's one o those things you really don't think about unless you are deprived of it.  I need sleep.  Pure and simple.  I need to close my eyes at bed time and drift off into the land of lullabies.  The one thing I have always been able to do is sleep.  I lay my head down on the pillow and my eyes close.  Something happened in the last couple of years.  Now I can't sleep at all without sleep enhancing medications.  You know - the little blue pill with the butterfly.  I tried melatonin thinking there was something I could do without having to see a doc about it. It didn't work! 

The long and the short of it is that I would be up all night without sleep meds.  I have to laugh.  I was up last night at around 1am wondering if I would ever fall asleep.  That was the last time I remember looking at the clock.  It's 11 am and I am bleary-eyed while I'm on the computer.  I have been up for hours and wonder if I'm crazy and does everyone go through this?

One day sleep will come.  Maybe when the house is quieter or Sarah is older.  Maybe when my life isn't under constant construction.

You Never Knew...

Sometimes we forget where we are and why we are there.  I wonder if people ever stop to look around themselves and see where they are?
I heard my mother's voice in my head saying "don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in is moccasins".  All of us have trials we are attempting to recover from.   You would never know unless you know or knew them personally.
We have lost all sense of community and we don't even address each other any more.  Where are the kind words?  Where are the extended hands to help each other?  I wondered if they even existed anymore.  
There are a few.  They extend a hand, give more than the bare minimum.  They are not my church, they are part of my family and not always blood related.  These members of my "family" are young and old.  They are not rich by monetary standards, but they have wisdom and strength of character.  They have offered to help, not just me, but others who had a need.  Not because they have to, but because they want to be part of the family and not part of the problem or uncaring society.  They picked their causes and they are near to their hearts.
You never knew this.  You wouldn't know unless you knew them personally.  They might be in line at the supermarket and you wouldn't give them a passing glance.
Please celebrate the people in your life who have helped you.

The Stress of Today

I never know when I'm going to be thrown for a loop.
Today Mimi asked me to take her to the DA's office so she could meet with the DA on the trial of her ex-boyfriend for menacing.  She was proactive and gathered her phone records and had all of her ducks in a row.  We got there and waited in the vic's lounge and I watched as she bit her nails and hands shook.  I know how hard this is for her.
When the DA came in she didn't look as enthusiastic as I would have expected.  I thought this would be a slam-sunk case where she goes in and testifies that the guys did this, this, and this and he is remanded to the county jail for time he needs to serve.  It wasn't like that.  It came down to the fact that Mimi's former friend set her up and called the ex-boyfriend and lied through her teeth about it to the police and to Mimi.  It's not that the dirt ball didn't menace Mimi, but he came to meet her at a destination set up by that slimy ex-friend.  I don't know what the motivation was for all this except that they were not speaking and engaged in any friendship type activities.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel.  Mimi can pursue this at a later date if necessary.  It really doesn't change what she did or the fact that she set her up.
Mimi's move improved drastically when she came home to a letter from Z.  She also was invited to go to italy with him and I think she is considering it.
We also went to anatomy tattoo to get her tattoo covered up. She sat with the artist for about  30 minutes and found her design.  It's scheduled for Monday.  Then we went to the gym and worked out until I nearly dropped.  My legs are noodles and my arms are sore.  In a good kind of way though.
Mr. Y didn't call me tonight for our nightly 4 minute conversation.  I hope he is ok.  I know his back is a little tender, but he will get by!  The nice part is that I will also get through it.
Sleep now before I get too rummy to write!  Talk to you tomorrow.

I know why there are things I leave to him!

I do know why there are certain tasks that I leave up to Mr. Y.
Today I spent the better part of the afternoon trying to put together a lateral file cabinet.  It is very well made, but for the ease of storing and selling, the manufacturer makes them in pieces and boxes them in a cardboard box that weighs around 75lbs.   This was actually my second attempt at it.  The first time I attempted to do this there was a broken piece at the bottom of the box.  I boxed it back up and took it back to Office Depot where I purchased it.  They were nice enough to unload it out of my car and reload a different one in.  Once home, the hunting party took it out of the Jetta and brought it into the house for me. I mentally rolled up my sleeves and started in on the task.  Who would have thought there needed to be so many pieces.  There were 16 pages in this little book of directions. The only reason there are so many pieces is because they make these things out of particle board and you need lots of glue and screws and other pieces of particle board to put it together out of the box.  Sure I could have paid more for the guy to come out to my house and do it for me, but I needed to do this for myself.
Actually, I think I did OK until I was getting down to the end of the project.  I had the frame of the cabinet built and was getting to work on the drawers and sliders.  The drawers kicked my butt.  You need to be an octopus in order to put it together.  There are about three things that need to slide together at the same time and it wasn't happening.  I know I have all of my mental faculties together, but this was NOT working.  Finally after dinner I did what I didn't want to do.  I called my dad.  He's already been here for the day working on the forms in the backyard.  I hated to bug him, but this would never have gotten finished if I hadn't.
One of the first things he said was that the screws weren't tight enough.  He took my screwdriver and proceeded to tighten all of them up.  after about five minutes of helping me by holding certain pieces together so others could be properly fitted into place, he said the sweetest thing in the world to me.  He told me this would have been difficult for him to put together by himself and he understood why I called and asked for help.  I guess I really didn't do it myself after all.  With his help it took less than 45 minutes to finish.  Then of course, Bunny put her "babies" in the bottom drawer.  It appears to be an expensive toy box/office furniture.
Time to invest in a better screwdriver.